Booze, Baseball, and another "B"

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

The Worst Movies of 2005....

First the good news, now the bad news. The Worst Movies of 2005!

I only decided to put six movies on this list. I wanted to have a top 5 worst films list, but that would not have been able to encompass the enormity of these films' awfulness.

A quick disclaimer: of course this list is based on films that I saw; if I didn't see it, then it's not on here. Also, these are the movies I disliked the most, you may disagree with me, but you shouldn't.

The Top 10 movies had the honor of getting their posters on the list, these films deserve no such fanfare; I'm not going to waste the disk space or bandwidth. In reverse order, here they are:

  • #6: Doom - When I was putting this list together, I was pretty surprised that Doom was as "high" as sixth. This movie is TERRIBLE! Notable for being the worst film The Rock has starred in, Doom is one to completely steer clear of. It's unfortunate that Universal didn't give Richard Brake top billing for this film, since he's really the star. The movie gave me a headache it was so bad. I was sitting there in the theater wondering whether or not Doom had caused me to have a brain hemorrhage. I figured any second blood was going to come shooting out of my nose, and I was going to fall over and go into convulsions, all thanks to: no-bra-Rosamund Pike, Richard "I killed Batman's parents and this movie both in one year" Brake, and The Rock "usually my movies don't suck but this one sure does" Dwayne Johnson. Do NOT see Doom.
  • #5: Aeon Flux - An insult to moviegoers everywhere, Aeon Flux should never have been released. I had thought that I blogged about this one, but a search turns up nothing. There's a reason for that! Aeon Flux had terrible: acting, writing, action, directing, special effects, producing, production design, CGI, Pete Postlethwaite, pacing, story...anything you can name. There was not a single good thing about Aeon Flux. Do NOT see Aeon Flux.
  • #4: Stealth - The movie that almost made me decide to stop going to movie theaters anymore, Stealth should have stayed hidden. Being that the movie was coming from xXx director, Rob Cohen, I thought that if nothing else the movie was going to be fun. I figured that it wasn't going to require a lot of brain power, and that it would just be a fun movie to sit back and take in, much like xXx was. I was completely wrong. Stealth was terrible from start to finish, and completely uninteresting. The actors all were bad, the writing was terrible, and the story sucked. Being a project Cohen had worked on for so long, Stealth should have been much better than it was. I would rate Yor, the Hunter from the Future higher than Stealth.
  • #3: Saw 2 - Completely pointless, with no good: ideas, performances, lines, or direction, Saw 2 was such a horrible waste of my time that I should have asked the theater for a refund. Another film that I thought I had blogged about how bad it was, and I didn't since I didn't want to think about it anymore. While Saw wasn't the best movie ever, for being an ultra-low budget movie, I thought that it wasn't terrible. It had an interesting concept of making people show that they value their lives, and putting people in situations where they could get out only if they wanted to live bad enough. With Saw 2, all of that was thrown out the window. This movie simply revolves around a group of people who are put into a house, and then killed off by group, instead of the elaborate schemes cooked up by "Jigsaw." And yes, this movie features a twist, and it was so easy to see coming I almost threw up all over the girl next to me. Do NOT see Saw 2. This movie was like Greedo shooting first, it should have never happened.
  • #2: xXx 2: State of the Union - The second biggest disappointment of the year, and by far Ice Cube's worst movie of the year (beating out "Are We There Yet?"). Lee Tamahori deserves to be blacklisted for this movie (especially in light of the fact that this is his followup to Die Another Day). I believe it was also responsible for the single largest day loss I have taken on the HSX (-$400k). It looked good in the trailers, but boy was it bad. CGI car vs train chase? Ok, maybe. CGI car vs. train chase that was done on an Amiga? No f#@*kin way! Accurately described by a friend of mine as "the Speed 2 of xXx movies," nobody should watch xXx 2. Ever.
  • #1: War of the Worlds - The choice quote I had when I left the theater after seeing this film was, "that is the worst movie I have ever seen." That is not a statement that I toss around lightly. I've seen a lot of really bad movies, hell, I OWN a lot of really bad movies; War of the Worlds trumps them all by leaps and bounds. If I had a penny for every part of WotW that was bad, I would have $8,931,875,082.97 (the decimal point is in the correct spot, in case you were wondering). Doing a quick search of my blog, I find that 3 of the 4 instances where "War of the Worlds" occurs are where I am deriding the film. WotW has the worst ending to a movie EVER (and I'm not talking about the book ending), and some of the worst acting I have seen in a film not done by 2nd graders ("I have to go!"). Do NOT bother seeing WotW! It is the worst movie ever made.

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